The Adonis Complex

A Hair Story.

Mon, 20 May 2013 04:00:54 -0700

For Tami.

I first met Tami when she was blonde. Fun, easygoing, and cool as hell; it didn’t take long before we got along with the usual small talk, before bonding over making fun of Nelson. I liked her immediately.

Later came Tami the brunette. Still cool, but no, blonde Tami was always my favorite. I guess I’m bias. Damn blondes. But blonde, brunette, pink hair – that’s all trivial, really; utter nonsense in pale comparison to the realization that Tami herself, who is bald now, might not be around anymore.

Bald Tami. Tami with breast cancer. That was hard getting used to. And as the chemotherapy progressed, her body became weaker, the hair kept falling, and just like that, Tami was bald.

At that point, I could not help but feel once again fascinated and baffled by the irony of chemotherapy – treatment that, thankfully, should ultimately help, but which side effects only further robs you of your own lifestyle, your autonomy, and of course, your hair. And for a woman, it is hair that she has toyed with and brushed and combed and cherished since she was a little girl, as if having cancer wasn’t enough to mock her for her misfortune.

But who the hell am I to say, when Tami is the one who has to deal with the pain, has to make the sacrifices, watching every little detail of what she eats and does. To see your friend have to struggle just for another tomorrow, all with an uncertainty and a sense of living on borrowed time – so really, there is nothing I can describe that could ever fathom what Tami has had to go through.

But if I am segueing towards a sob story, then I have to regress. Most cancer stories are sad; sad stories we tend to avoid, sad stories without a happy ending, and that’s the honest truth.

But as for Tami’s story, it’s far from over. It’s still going, as many of ours are. It is not a cancer story. Because if you saw her today, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anything sad about her. She just won’t let you.

You could say adversity builds character, but I feel more than anything, it reveals it. And Tami, she’s as tough as nails. She might not have breasts at the moment, but she sure hell has bigger balls than most of us.

She has her days, she says, and I don’t doubt it. We all have our bad days – those days we get a parking ticket, or those days we drop our phone on the pavement. Bad days, I’m sure.

So yes, she has her days, but it’s tough for me to believe her when all I see is her smiling, taking solace in the “little things,” as she puts it, still being good to her people. She’s not giving any reason to feel sorry for her, not letting the cancer define her. Because she is better than that, better than being a sob story, better than simply being a bald girl with cancer.

When it comes down to it, though, this is all unfair. It is unfair to Tami, to her family, to anyone who has had cancer affect their lives and their loved ones. But don’t let the world beat you up, because it will – it will throw everything at you, when you least expect it, when you’re most vulnerable – from everything that is in and out of your control, from cancer, to people, your own friends, even, may get to you. And the world will make sure of that. But it hasn’t for Tami; it has not got the better of her. She is a testament to that.

So what has changed about Tami? Nothing, nothing at all. Her hair, perhaps. But she is still fun, still easygoing, still cool as hell. She’s still smiling. And when this is all over, when her hair grows back, when this difficult time in her life, her story, comes to pass, it’ll be nothing more but another rough chapter she overcame, leaving us all the more impressed. I just hope she goes back to being blonde.

— Adonis

www.tamitoko.com

The Pin-up.

Mon, 20 May 2013 03:56:11 -0700

The Pin-up.

What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is...

Wed, 15 May 2013 00:04:30 -0700

What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

For her.

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:58:37 -0800

Closing up shop. Thanks for reading, everyone.

His Head Was In The Clouds.

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:54:00 -0800

He watched them pass by. One by one, they drifted past his sight. So many of them. And they moved fast. Too fast, for his liking. But he liked it up there, his head up in the clouds. They left as soon as they appeared, but the clouds left their mark; against the blue canvas, a palette of colors so pure it was almost surreal.

He tried to turn them into things. Animals. Buildings. People. But to no avail. His mind wandered in place, but there was no memory, no sense of reality in his thoughts. Nothing.

“I must be drunk.”

He sat up. Beside him was her. She was reading then. They sat under the shade of a tree. A lone tree, a tree in the middle of nowhere. It was if that tree was planted there for this very purpose, its shade meant to protect her from the burning sun on one of those hot summer days. And now the tree embraced him too, as she did. She looked at him.

“Yes. And you need to learn how to share.” She held up the empty wine bottle.

“Sorry.” he said.

“You doze off for a bit. Were you dreaming?”

“No,” he said. “I don’t know. If I was, it was probably about you.”

He laughed. She rolled her eyes and went back to reading.

He stared up at the sky again. “I couldn’t see anything in those clouds. They’re just, clouds.”

“You must have no imagination then.” she said.

“Maybe.” He fell backwards on the grass. “Maybe, I have nothing left to imagine. Everything I need is right in front of me.” He turned and smiled at her.

“Wow. You are so fucking corny.” She grabbed a handful of grass and sprinkled it over him.

She laughed as he tried to fight this off. He brushed his face, spitting out the grass that landed on his mouth.

He got up again. He eyed the book laying in her lap. It was dog-eared and beat-up, worn out from the passing of time. But it seemed to hold itself together for her, knowing that one day it would be read once more.

“Are you liking that book so far?” he asked. “—again, I mean.” He knew she did not like to reread books.

“Yes. I love it so far.” she said. “Sometimes it’s good to revisit things. A book I did not like at first, maybe I’ll fall in love with it next time around.”

“That’s a good way to put it.” he said. “I like to think so, too.”

A light breeze picked up. The leaves of the tree started to rustle, and she shivered as it passed through.

His first reaction was to wrap his arms around her, to keep her warm, to shield her from this wind that would give her discomfort — he would do anything in his power to keep her from harm, from anything that would dare threaten her — he cared for her in this way. He only, and always, wanted to make her feel good.

But he knew better; he knew he need not do anything. He knew of her strength, her courage; he knew she could take care of herself.

She shook it off. She sat up straight. She closed her eyes, as if meditating, like Buddha under the Bodhi Tree, greeting the wind as it came to her.

He watched as she did this. She looked lovely that day. Or as always, he thought. She had fixed a single, thin braid that went across a side of her head, and it was those little details that made him appreciate her more. But the wind caught some of her long hair, and it waved gently in the breeze, covering part of her face from time to time.

So damn lovely, he thought.

But he remembered this would not last. He knew he might not see her again like this. He did not want to think about it.

Then, the sky began to clear, and the sun, sneaking behind those clouds this whole time, showed itself to them. Its rays broke through the branches of the tree, showering her in light.

But she simply smiled and basked in it, feeling the warmth of the sun on her delicate skin.

And she glowed. She glowed like the sun that brightened her. She glowed like nothing he had ever set his eyes on before. Angelic.

He wanted to hold her in his arms so bad, but he could not bring himself to ruin the moment. He wanted this image to last forever. Picture perfect. He felt the rush as if he was seeing her for the first time again. As if he had hiked to the top of a hill for a cliffside view of a Hawaiian beach, to experience a sunrise painting the Grand Canyon, to gaze up at the heavens and marvel at the Northern Lights; she was that breathtaking sight men travel the world for.

Enlightened, the universe suddenly became clear to him. He believed himself a philosopher just then, and he had answered the meaning of life. He had escaped Plato’s cave and behind the flickering shadows was her, this goddess of a woman.

It was clearer than ever; she meant everything to him. She was everything, and everything. Nothing in the world made him happier, than being with her right there and then.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him. Those shining eyes. She gave him a faint smile, that distinct Mona Lisa smile she always had, but a smile that brought out everything that was enigmatic and amazing about her. She leaned over and kissed him. He kissed back. She held his hand. He was on top of the world.

No mistake about it. Ice is cold; roses are red; I’m in love. And this love is about to carry...

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 23:42:16 -0800

No mistake about it. Ice is cold; roses are red; I’m in love. And this love is about to carry me off somewhere.

Souvenirs.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:15:35 -0800

Souvenirs.

Hemingway and his cat.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:14:56 -0800

Hemingway and his cat.

Aomame pressed an ear against his chest. “I’ve been lonely for so long. And I’ve...

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:11:19 -0800

Aomame pressed an ear against his chest. “I’ve been lonely for so long. And I’ve been hurt so deeply. If only I could have met you again a long time ago, then I wouldn’t have had to take all these detours to get here.”

Tengo shook his head. “I don’t think so. This way is just fine. This is exactly the right time. For both of us.”

Aomame started to cry. The tears she had been holding back spilled down her cheeks and there was nothing she could do to stop them. Large teardrops fell audibly onto the sheets like rain. With Tengo buried deep inside her, she trembled slightly as she went on crying. Tengo put his arms around her and held her. He would be holding her close from now on, a thought that made him happier than he could imagine.

“We needed that much time,” Tengo said, “to understand how lonely we really were.”

Wish you were here.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:09:12 -0800

Wish you were here.

The sunrise, before painting the Grand Canyon.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:07:21 -0800

The sunrise, before painting the Grand Canyon.

Kensington Gardens in the fall.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:06:58 -0800

Kensington Gardens in the fall.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 21:01:00 -0800

"I would only believe in a god who could dance."

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:58:51 -0800

“I would only believe in a god who could dance.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

The basics.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:57:48 -0800

The basics.

Miss this kid.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 20:55:37 -0800

Miss this kid.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 01:31:45 -0800

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

The Astronaut’s Guide To Life In Space

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 01:29:03 -0800

The Astronaut’s Guide To Life In Space

Once, in my father’s bookshop, I heard a regular customer say that few things leave a deeper...

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 13:55:20 -0800

Once, in my father’s bookshop, I heard a regular customer say that few things leave a deeper mark on a reader than the first book that finds its way into his heart. Those first images, the echo of words we think we have left behind, accompany us throughout our lives and sculpt a palace in our memory to which, sooner or later — no matter how many books we read, how many worlds we discover, or how much we learn or forget — we will return.

“Maybe… you’ll fall in love with me all over again.” “Hell,” I said, “I love you enough...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 23:32:05 -0800

“Maybe… you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”

“Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”

“Yes. I want to ruin you.”

“Good,” I said. “That’s what I want too.”